It’s fascinating that those who receive a lot of hurt in life often turn around and give the same type of hurt to others. But after their fall, Adam and Eve felt the loss of all that bliss: shame and nakedness crept in and innocence was gone. The salads suddenly became unappetising to some animals who started to eat the smaller animals. Adam and Eve felt the need to hide from God because of their sin.

Really though, this is damn stirring food for thought. Lest we get the idea that we’re simply Beings of Light or Totally Irrevocably Healed or something, Solzhenitsyn is like, “Fools! Remain forever vigilant, for the shadows you perceive outside yourselves exist within your very hearts!” This is a humbling and unsettling dose of truth. Taking responsibility can be the hardest part. No one likes being wrong. Very few people find pleasure in knowing they are responsible for hurting someone else. I’ve been there. I’ve experienced each one of those types of pain. I’ve asked the hard questions. I’ve searched the scriptures for biblical examples and lessons learned through pain and suffering. And I’m sharing a fresh perspective in my new book “The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out to God When Pain Overwhelms.” I’m not sure exactly when it happened but in the space between noting it down the first time and the second time, I had two stark realisations: Going through a lot or having problems is not an excuse to treat other people poorly. However, sometimes it does happen as a byproduct of trauma or mental illness. If a person’s brain is telling them that everyone is an enemy and they totally and completely believe that their mental illness distorts reality, then hey, that’s how it is. Still, you can’t have soft boundaries with that person because they can and will cause harm to you or your life if you allow it.That is why their behavior often seems weird to the others who have never been hurt in such a way. Here are 11 typical behaviors that emotionally hurt people display unknowingly 1. They seek distractions from their painful thoughts It happens that wounded people might have difficulties to make the difference between a toxic and healthy relationship. Unfortunately, that puts them at risk of falling victims of toxic relationships or poisonous people. And this could increase their anxiousness even more. 8. They are too vulnerable People react to pain differently and deal with it differently. This is even truer when it comes to someone who has been emotionally hurt. Sadly, people who are emotionally wounded, find it hard to live with their traumas and continuously seek ways to heal the pain they feel in their souls. Yet think about what Jesus modeled for us. It certainly wasn’t pushing people out. If anything it was calling people in! In his story of the crowd seeking punishment for a woman caught in adultery, his response is to invite those without sin to throw the first stone. And of course, no one does. Quite the difficult image to face, I know. And yet here we are, you and I, staring down such a tumultuous reality.

Fear of rejection is common, especially if you feel as though you don’t deserve your partner. 5. To Protect Yourself Sadly, many people who are carrying hurts are left to deal with their feelings of pain or loss by themselves. When left alone, the hurts that are not healed slowly become a poison that causes a person to become bitter and cynical. The good thing is that our hurts can be healed by Christ's love on the cross. People who hurt others sometimes do it because they have gotten comfortable enough to be their true selves. This is the trust and safety paradox; trusting people more means being your true self around them. Sometimes, your true self is not the nicest version of you.Many people get so wrapped up in their own pain that they forget to try to heal and move forward. Instead, they get trapped in their own negative mental spaces where any small amount of light that tries to shine in just gets snuffed out. I silently asked myself “Why am I so angry?” That’s when I remembered that “Hurting people hurt people.” But again, I’m not unique. For every one of me trying to get on the straight and narrow there’s a thousand wounded healers there to support, listen, hold and care.

Their reactions stem from past experiences that led them to certain beliefs that they accepted as truth. They are actually just preconceived ideas projected onto others to protect their ego.And if you are a person who wants to stop causing harm to others, really try to get at the reason why that is. It will likely require a therapist to get to the bottom of the problem and start working on a solution. Life doesn’t have to be that way. Most problems can at least be managed if not resolved in a meaningful way. Whenever I ponder forgiveness and reconciliation, two things come up for me: first, God’s promise of forgiveness, and then second, the real trouble I have believing in it. How is it that God can promise to forgive anyone and anything if we but ask? And what does that have to do with reconciliation? It’s really not about US at all. It is about THEM and what’s inside them coming out and projecting onto us.

You may compare your relationship to those you see on social media, which are often romanticized or fictionalized versions of real relationships. Your failure to achieve this type of closeness with your partner might cause you to be hurtful. 9. You Seek Control These people usually don’t make plans for the future, as they are too busy to overanalyze the things that happen to them in the present. They can’t help thinking over and over again about what has happened during the day or the week. They do so because it makes them feel comfortable and distracts them from the emotionally painful thoughts that tend to overwhelm their minds. Sadly, these people tend to overthink all sorts of insignificant details not only the situations from the present moment and very often become obsessed with them. 6. They get upset easily Your past trauma might cause you to have difficulty with healthy relationships. If you have been abused or witnessed abuse, you might associate aggressive behavior with love. Once more, it’s crucial to remain humble, recognizing that the path toward healing, wholeness, and enlightenment is never-ending. There is always more to discover.There can also be a warped sense of ‘justice’ on an unconscious level. A person might consciously wish to avoid reenacting the hurtful behaviors that were inflicted upon them, but unconsciously they might feel resentful and think, “This happened to me, I had to deal with this, so other people should have to deal with this too.” And then without realizing it, they subtly reenact the behaviors they wish to avoid. There is no denying the fact that hurt people tend to hurt others. This statement, often referred to as the “Hurt People Hurt People” quote, has been adopted by many individuals and organizations over the years and is often used in discussions related to mental health, social behavior, and self-awareness. When they work hard to reach a goal, they want to share the success with someone they care about. You might feel that the more successful your partner is, the more likely they will leave you. Maintain an objective awareness of yourself, and remember that “It all starts with you” is in fact exactly that — a starting place. Give others the time and space they need to initiate their own journey of rising above the pain.